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Sunday, April 10, 2005
What I Want
I really dig this song by Mariah Carey-- "We Belong Together."  Melody's so good and the lyrics are good too.  Though-- I'm not sure I should like it as much as I do-- People might misconstrue as me relating to this song in regards to a certain ex.

To a certain extent-- it sorta does have to do with him.  I know what it's like to want someone back and feeling like there's no one else you can talk to, no one you can turn to--  to feel like--  you've lost a part of yourself.  The very fact I can relate these emotions to this song--  makes it so good.

Anyways...  this is totally unrelated but I just wanna talk about this certain person... 

I recently spoke to this guy whom I've known since school.  Here's some background.  This was someone I thought I was compatible with way back when.  Someone I even told my mom about.  He was funny--  and intelligent and deep and sweet--  it wasn't long until I had a crush.  He was like--  intense-- to me in terms of emotions and I was drawn to that.  The things he uttered--  just made me stop breathing.  This is the kind of guy that would know how to sweep girls off their feet.  Despite my budding emotions for him, I could tell he was still somewhat stuck on his ex and pretty much idolized her (for good reason too).  It was the fact that I could feel he's stuck on her, that he hasn't moved on-- and later, his arrogance that he believed he knew me so well-- that eventually made me give up on what could have been.  I moved on.

Throughout the years, we kept in touch.  He would call me periodically and check up on me--  Even though I was rude to him at times--  I even cussed at him once too.  Yet he's always been there...  Except when there's a football game.  LOL  But...  thinking back, he's always been there to listen...  Been to listen to my problems all through these years...  --He's always been a friend to me...  Yet I wasn't that much of one to him...  I feel bad...  He's always been my constant confidant.  I really have taken him for granted... 

Well, not completely a wholesome friend.  Throughout the years, he might flirt with me every now and then and say he wanted me-- which I'm not sure if he ever meant it-- but I would always think-- it wouldn't last long.  The passion, that intense emotion that I once felt from him back when we were into each other, would die out.  There were times when he would say my name a certain way, "Jacky..." and it just made me hold my breath.  It would make me want to give in, to stop resisting, and make me reminisce.  But I've stayed strong.

...He's gotten over his obsession with his ex--  She's not a constant thought in his mind.  However, now-- supposedly, he compares other girls to me...  Why?  I don't know.  haha  But...  I guess I made a impact on him...  Maybe he does that because-- he never really had a chance to find out what things could have been with me--  so he doesn't know how difficult I could be?  --or maybe he does know all too well but will accept it anyways.  If so, he's insane.  haha  If we had gotten together and broken up-- I'm sure he wouldn't be comparing other girls to me.  Well, that's my speculation as to why he compares other girls to me-- 'Cause he hasn't had me as a gf--  Hasn't experienced all my flaws, hasn't experienced my mood swings, my horrible temper.

Anyways-- one of the few recent conversations we've had--  he told me he wanted to take care of me, to provide for me.  It's stayed with me since.  My Feb. 6th, 2005 entry was my attempt at trying to explain what I wanted-- but-- what I wrote wasn't accurate--  It didn't convey the longing in my heart and what I desired in my mind--  I want someone to WANT to take care of me, to WANT to provide for me, whether or not I need it.  His words have been imprinted on my mind...  He knows what I want...  He knows me so well.  Maybe he was right from the beginning...  Maybe he was right all along, and he wasn't being arrogant-- it was because he knew me and I was going through denial-- maybe I couldn't admit he was right, wouldn't allow him to be right. 

Through him, I know more of what I want in a partner...  Now, I need to know if I can live without it... I can't change my partner to want to take care of me, to want to provide for me--  It's not something you can change...  I want someone passionately in love with me, not someone who just loves me.  I spoke to the guy I'm seeing about it--  he said he wasn't used to women like that--  the women in his life, from his roommate to his mom-- have all been strong, independent women.  I can be strong and independent too and not need him-- BUT regardless, I would want someone who has that drive to take care of me, protect me, provide for me, because that's what a man is supposed to do for the woman he cares for whether or not she is independent.  That's how a man shows he cares-- by wanting to do these things whether or not she needs it.

Am I supposed to give tips and pointers to the guys I date?

Posted at 01:00 am by bunni_lee


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